It has taken me a few weeks to write about this sensitive topic.  There's been questions rattling around my brain that need to be answered and a shrowd of guilt that is unrelenting in its brutal assault of my soul.  Mostly, why why why haven't we lynched and flogged the English FA?  Here, for Eber, and for my own therapy I'm going to list everything wrong with English football, and then the solutions for this embarrassing farce of sporting endeavour.

 

Wrong:

The FA are clueless.  A bunch of trumped up businessmen who don't know two biddly-bops about nothing and especially not about picking a manager.  On top of this they have the collective charisma and verve of an ugly, dead animal.

 

Macca should never have been appointed.  Bless his little yorkie heart for trying but at the end of the day he's just an average gaffer, with no tactical nous, an inability to motivate players and a smile like Mr. Ed.

 

The players are overpaid prima donnas.

 

Solutions:

Lock the FA goons into a conference room with a box of powerpoint presentations, the environment they'd be happiest and safest in.  Replace the board members with coke bottles and crumpled newspapers.

 

Get Mourinho.  He might not be as good as he and we think, but he's got charisma like nobody else.  And that's what really matters.

 

Shoot all the current players.  Replace them with coalminers and and anybody who isn't a chav.

 

Nevermind, forget everything I've said and just switch over to watching darts.